Over the last couple of weeks, I've tried a couple of times to write a blog entry reflecting on the experience of social isolation without much success. Sure, I wrote things down, but I just wasn't ready to put them out there because what I wrote felt a bit raw, a bit unfinished. I wasn't sure the world really needed another litany of discomfort and anxiety, so I didn't push the publish button.
What is different today I think, is that I realized that what I need these days is not another anxiety list, but, rather, something which focused on gratitude. Gratitude in difficult times comes hard, but my experience with gratitude has taught me that consciously choosing gratitude shifts my emotional, mental and spiritual polarity to the good. It works that way because it makes me look at what gifts God has given me, rather than what I'm still missing. Amid the stripping away of the last few weeks, focusing on God's gifts is more important than ever.
Yet, choosing gratitude in difficult times is hard work, but it is, in these times, that any effort to appreciate gratitude is a blessing. I first realized that after the collapse of my PhD almost twenty years ago. Back then, I was meeting regularly with a friend/spiritual director. At the beginning of our meetings, I'd start listing all the things in my life that were bad or sad or frightening or whatever. He'd let me go on for a while, then, he's invariably would look at me and ask "So, what are you grateful?". I usually had to restrain the urge to slug him, but, then, when I did as he suggested, I started to see that things weren't as bad as I thought they were and that, quite unexpectedly, I was in a better mood. It didn't change the challenges that I was facing then, but it shifted the focus away from them for a while and that helped. So, if you promise not to slug me, here is my gratitude list today.
I'm grateful for ...
...health-both my family's and mine
There are so many people who aren't well or who are struggling in a lot of different ways, so it is an important grace to recall that we are still all okay here in our house. And that we're in a position to help, at least, some people who are struggling more or differently than us. And that my wife is so much better at doing that than I am.
... reconnecting with my students again.
The last few weeks have been hard for me because everything shut down at school so abruptly for the foreseeable future, so the community which my students and I have built up this year has been ripped away. However, last week, we started gearing up towards remote learning which will bring me back into contact with my colleagues and my students again. I'm grateful to hear from my students again. I'm especially grateful for the student leadership in the extra-curricular group I supervise, the Classics Club, who have been working on their own with their peers to keep their spirits up during the shutdown. It really was wonderful to reconnect with them on Friday and catch up.
...the Re-Center Christian Meditation app on my phone.
I downloaded this app a couple months ago and had already found it a valuable tool for managing stress even before all this. But it has been even more useful since. The calm, soothing voice of chaplain Jared who creates these meditations, his lectio divina meditation style and attention to breathing has really helped me when my anxiety has piled up and felt overwhelming, especially in the middle of the night. Mind you, I can't always promise that I heard everything he had to say at 3 a.m., since I have been known to doze off from time to time. But I'd don't think Jared would mind. Or God, for that matter.
...for virtual church
One of the consequences of the COVID-19 crisis has been the sudden advent of virtual church. Given that all churches have closed for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic, this has been the only way that Christians have been able to worship together. I really miss my church- the people, the liturgy and the grounding that brings me, especially when I serve. However, the plethora of virtual church options have helped my family and I to stay connected. There have been so many options, but I'm especially grateful for the the live streaming of services by St. James Cathedral, Toronto and the services by Bishops Jenny Andison and Susan Bell. Their prayers and their words have been important supports for my family and I for the last few weeks.
... everyday tasks
These are the simple things that my family and I do each day- walk the dog, cook dinner, cleanup the deck, clean the house. I'm grateful for them because they are comfortably routine. They remind me that, whatever else is happening in the world, I can do things that help people in the here and now by simply doing the next thing that needs to be done. Simple things like walking or cooking or cleaning remind me of the solidity, the stability of the world around me and that God is here in those 'chores' because they are an expression of my love of my family and the people around me. I'm grateful for the grounding they give me, reminding me that, whatever else is happening in the world, the ordinary remains a way to connect with other people and with God.
...time spent with the family
Despite how deceptively busy our days have become while my wife and I continue to work at home, I'm really grateful for the time we do get to be together as a family. It is so easy to get caught up with work or whatever at any time, but this time of social isolation has cast us more upon our own resources. So, I'm grateful to be spending this time with my family and for the times that we get together, whether it is simply eating dinner together, or playing a game together and chatting or watching a movie together. These are simple pleasures too, but I'm grateful for the company in these days of social isolation.
...for time to translate
Okay, this is sheer geekery, but one of the things that have been a blessing in the last few weeks is that I've been able to find time, not every day, but more often than usual, to get back to my project/hobby of translating various documents relating to St. Martin of Tours (the patron of my parish church). It isn't a lot of time and that is a good thing because I lose focus after a half an hour or so. Nor am I rendering the Latin into particularly elegant English. But it is something that I can walk away from and feel like I accomplished something tangible. Some days, that sense of accomplishing something helps me feel like the day hasn't been just wasted time, but that I did something useful.
...time to reflect
It's still a difficult time and that has led me to reflect more and to journal more. That isn't always an easy thing because my emotions in these days haven't always been easy. And that is okay. We're all in the same boat, I know. But journalling more has helped to process those emotions more consciously and dig deeper into my character defects or fears or frustrations. It has also helped me to keep an eye out for where God is in this mess. All of that is a blessing, even if not always an easy or uncomplicated one.
So, that's my list this week. The coming week is a special one for my family. It is Palm Sunday and Holy Week is upon us- the week when we follow Jesus through his last week of his life from his entrance to Jerusalem to his death on a cross on Friday to his resurrection on Easter Sunday. It is the most profound week in the Christian calendar and is normally a week of liturgy and community, story and song. Obviously, it is going to be a different Easter this year because we won't manage getting together for our services, but the story remains as powerful as ever. This year will be different and I don't know how it will look yet for us. But I look forward to walking this road again this week with my family and, virtually, my fellow Christians. Have a blessed week!
