Now, as someone who really is a pronounced introvert, I figured that this shouldn't be a huge problem. After all, I like being home with my family, or reading a good book or something like that. And all that has been good and continues to be good. But this is an anxious time for all of us- worrying about whether we'll get sick, or a family member will or about our economic situation or jobs. When faced with something this big, it is hard not to be anxious, especially when the world has changed so quickly and abruptly. It is hard to find our bearings in a world that has lost its own.
So, what I offer here are observations on what I'm seeing in my life. I don't claim special wisdom or insight. Nor do I offer any of this as advice, but only as markers of where I am. So here we are, in no particular order:
1. Social Media and News
Two things that this last two or three weeks has taught me is
a) how much I unreflectively check the news and social media,
especially when I'm anxious
b) how much those checks not only don't help, but hurt my ability to cope
This isn't an especially new or startling observation about my life. In fact, this year, it has been increasingly obvious how compulsive checking of social media and the news is both an outcome of my anxiety and fuel for it. In a year in which I was trying to navigate two major student events (both now cancelled along with everything else) through a difficult labour year and, eventually, the growing crisis of COVID-19, I would constantly check the news and social media for clues about how things will develop next, thinking if I just knew the next step, I can respond and be ready. That is, I could control the situation and move adroitly to get to what I want to achieve. With COVID-19, that didn't work because it was simply too big and too fast to get a grip on. It still is. I need to remember that.
The cost of all that obsessional checking, however, is my own peace of mind and my ability to take things as they come. When I limit my checks of the news to two or three times a day, I'm more peaceful and better able to be available for those around me. I'm more able to pray or meditate and connect with God, which is essential for my own mental health. And I need to remember all that, next time I'm worried and feel like checking the news every thirty seconds will somehow help. It won't. It just won't. Keeping informed is one thing, but stoking my anxieties is entirely a different thing.
2. Work and Relaxation
At the best of times, I struggle with the balance with these two things. In many ways, like many people, my work defines me. I am a teacher and, what's more, I'm a Latin teacher, which has its own bundle of eccentricities and oddities. When school is on, I'm busy and, largely, fulfilled, knowing that, in addition to the curriculum, that I provide a space for my students to enjoy school and be part of something. That means lots of classroom prep, with an overlay of extra-curricular projects and time spent mentoring my students. I'm not unique in any of that, but it makes for a busy life.
Well, now, that is on hiatus and I admit that I don't always know what to do with myself. Yes, I'm marking in a rather desulatory fashion (the least favourite part of my job), but I really feel at loose ends, especially when I reflect that it is likely that the period we'll be away will probably be longer than initially thought.
When I'm busy, I keep telling myself that, when I'm free (in the summer), I'll have time for this or that (photography, translating, re-working the back garden), but, now that I have time, I find a certain lethargy settling in, like I'm not entirely sure how to get started or why.
What is helping with this is just doing something. Even if I doubt it will do much good. Simply cleaning the kitchen each day or taking the dog for a walk, or cooking dinner can help my mood. It helps because all those things are acts of service for myself and my family. They are the concrete actions of love which remind me that I'm connected, still connected to the people in my life. That is probably true at work too, but it takes time for me to realize these little things in my life at home.
Yet, I also need to temper all this with relaxation. I need to take time to recharge. To be quiet with myself. And this is a time which has given me more opportunity to do that. The stress of the last month as things shut down around me took a toll on me, but the times I took to listen to a meditation or prayer or even to mutter a mantra or two (maranatha-come, Lord has been a favourite) under my breath to prevent my head from exploding, have been an essential element to my own mental and spiritual health. I need those moments of quiet and repose. And it seems that I'm getting more and more opportunities for them. I think that is a good thing. Yes, yes, it is.
My ambivalence here, I think, comes from the recognition that all this quiet time isn't necessarily as peaceful and cosy as I would like to think in my working day-dreams. My own experience, confirmed by the combined experience of most spiritual traditions, is that what happens when I have time to meditate or pray is that all those random thoughts that I was scarcely aware of before come flooding in and that it takes time to dis-entangle them. That is, ironically, hard work, but good work because it helps me to see myself, God and the world in a better and less distorted light. And that is the true benefit of meditation and contemplation. I'm not convinced that I'm much of a contemplative, but I do know that contemplation seems to fill a place in my life which leads me to a good place. So, I keep trying.
Those are my thoughts in this first week of social isolation. I hope there will be more, but, for now, I hope you will find my reflections will be helpful for you. Or, if they're not, that you'll forget them quickly.
Now, I have to go and make amends with my son for getting cranky in our Risk game. Stay healthy and stay well.
